Every Now and Then I Fall Apart
What a difference a year makes.
Since being in San Francisco 365 days ago, I’ve been on 5 continents, moved to a new country, swam with hammerheads, penguins, and whale sharks, been in breathtaking mosques, had a few heartbreaks, and felt unspeakable love for, and from, the people who I've been lucky enough to have around me (either in person or in my mind).
So many amazing adventures.
Despite all this good and abundance of luck and love, I seem to have been visiting my old stomping grounds, affectionately known as the “dark place”, for the past couple months. So much anger. So much sadness. So few anti-depressants (off them for almost a year now ... and with such success!). So much hurt and confusion about the pointlessness and impermanence of it all. So many “what ifs” and “if onlys.” Oy, a guy can really bring himself down if he’s not careful.
Living in a powder keg and throwing off sparks.
But as it's been said, better to be on the roller coaster than watching it race by.
I read somewhere that the first trick an elephant trainer uses is to teach the elephant not to escape. He does this by attaching a huge log to the baby elephant's leg. When the baby tries to get away, it realizes the log is stronger and he eventually gives up trying. The elephant gets so used to captivity, that even when he's full grown and infinitely stronger, all the trainer has to do is chain the elephants leg to something, even a tiny little twig, and the elephant won't even try to escape.
It’s time to let go of the twigs. I’m not ready to burn them, and I’m trying not to use them to whip the shit out of those who (probably don’t) deserve it. And maybe, just maybe, I need to stop beating myself up with them – self-flagellation has grown weary.
Here’s to a new year, and the new beginnings that can happen every day. In the poetic words of his best girl, “I’m so movin’ on.”
Maybe. I hope. I'll try.
Anyway, happy birthday to me. Thanks to everyone for the love, the friendship, the laughs and the tears. Like I said last year, I am a very lucky boy … I just need to remind myself sometimes.