:: :: ::

I don't know who the Sky hostess is, but she and her rubbish bangs have got to go.

Okay ... here's Ellen, after the pre-recorded stupid interviews with the white background. Mac or PC?

This is going on way too long already. And not funny.

I so would have stood up if I were there. Just because.

"But sir, you're not nominated ..."

"Sorry, got a cramp ... just stretching."

Here's Ellen. And there's a bald Jack. Ugh.

:: :: ::

I would like to be at Ellen's in her PJs sharing that bottle of Chardonay. What kind of PJs do you think Ellen wears? I'm saying a pair of sweats and a Tipitina's t-shirt.

Abigal Breslin from Little Miss Sunshine. Adorable in a princess dress.

Peter O'Toole could very well die at this awards show. That'd be something, eh? Sad ... but something.

At least Jennifer Hudson took that ridiculous Mama Mia finale silver shiny thing off her shoulders. It was all wrong, and she was picking up Radio 4 on it.

Only blacks, Jews and gays are named Oscar. Ha. And Portia Del Rossi looks amazing.

Obligitory Ellen dance break.

:: :: ::

All in, the opening was limping, if not completely lame. Doesn't bode well for the next 1,000 hours to come.

Dear Nicole Kidman -- get a new plastic surgeon. Or just STOP the madness (the botox and the red ribbon)

Dear Daniel Craig -- hi. You're cute.

Pan's Labyrinth wins it's first award. Matthew is 1 for 1. I don't even remember who I chose for anything. Years past, I'd have a ballot filled with my choices. This year, it's recorded in Durban Bud's contest. Wonder if I'll win.

Maggie Gyllenhall looks very good for dropping a kid not so long ago.

Oh good!!! Modern Dance!!! Oh wait, it's shadow puppetry. WTF?

Who are Don Fontaine and Gina Tuttle?

Commercial break ... but UK gets Sky Movie ads. I want to see the iPhone commercial. Guess I'll have to wait for YouTube.

What does "find the 79s mean?"

Oh god. Will Ferrell. In an afro. Singing. Save me.

That was painful.

Pan's Lab wins a second, this time for makeup. I guess I should go see it.

Judi Dench having "knee surgery on her eyes." Ha.

I love Little Miss Sunshine. She's just so good, in an anti Dakota Fanning kind of way.

Third award goes to The Danish Poet for animated short. Where's best supporting actress???

Is she wearing a floor-length swimsuit?

West Bank Story looks funny. Oh! It won ... best live action short. Good for them. And the winner (Ari Sandel) is cute.

Gwynneth looks retarded. Is it the camera angle on the close-up or is she just whacked?

:: :: ::

Matthew thinks Clint Eastwood is dating Audra MacDonald. He might be on to something.

38 minutes into the show and there's been at least 4 or 5 minutes of quality entertainment. Going to be a long night.

:: :: ::

Poor Judi, first eyes and now boobs are the brunt of Ellen's jokes. So not true. She's totally having a brow lift. Dame Dench is gonna go to L.A. and kick Ellen's ass.

Sound effects choir -- do you think people get all diva-ish about being first chirping bird or lead brake-squeal?

Iwo Jima grabs a sound editing gong. Audra must be thrilled.

Speaking of Al ... got a little big, didn't he?

Why was Jerry Seinfeld making a pig face?

The Oscars are green! That means they're brass not gold, and they'll easily tarnish?

Dreamgirls wins something. So they'll get at least two, once Miss Hudson gets hers. When is best supporting actress?

Jessica Biel ... a little too pink, and a little too bouncy. Victoria has a secret darling, she'd be happpy to share it with you. James McAvoy ... yummy.

Oh Rachel, Weiss is up mit your dress and necklace?

Oh! An actor award. Supporting actor goes to (I'm guessing Alan Arkin) ...

What do I win?

Simple and succinct speech. Lovely.

More shadow puppets!!!

More anti-climaxes.

Y'all. Pilobolus is so good. Why are they doing this?

:: :: ::

Sky hostess is saying how much she hates it when winners whip out a piece of A4 (hello, they don't have A4 in Hollywood) and read a speech. Hating her, hating her eye shadow, hating her bangs (oh, it's fringe over here).

:: :: ::

James Taylor has no hair and Randy Newmann has grown-up hair.

James Taylor looks like the pedophile in Little Children. Note to Carly Simon -- you're better without him.

My, what an innocuous boring little ditty.

Hi Melissa. You look great. I bet she won't lie down on the stage and hump her guitar like she did when we saw her in D.C. at some Pride rally way back when. She's amazing. Singing Al's song, looking a little like Hillary Clinton if she were dolled up.

That's a scary thought. But wth, it's 2:30 am here. Thoughts are only going to get scarier.

Speaking of Al ... he's gotten pretty big.

The Oscars are green! They look gold to me. Time to get the color checked on the plasma. Or maybe they're made of copper now and will tarnish more easily.

:: :: ::

Ugh. Sky hostess again. Talking to Aubrey Dey, who's saying Ellen's bit with Scorcese was her best spot of the night, and she really won over the crowd with that one.

:: :: ::

Green = recycled jokes. Oh dear.

Meryl Streep chewing on her glasses. She just doesn't care anymore. Yay.

Cameron's dress ... not loving it. Could she not find a hairbrush backsage?

The penguins have extra Happy Feet tonight. And look, the director looks like a penguin.

There's a big red logo in the top right of my screen. It's for an interactive service and it says "Anytime Now." I couldn't agree more.

Penguins --> Ducks --> Quack --> Afflack --> Ben Affleck. Not a nominee.

Monotone introducing montage. I get it. No really, we get it. It's too long. Stop the montage.

Oh, it's about writers. Is the next award about editing? This montage could use some editing.

Waste of time.

Ah, Helen. She looks divine. Tom Hanks goes into an 12 steps joke. Crappy writing for writing nominations. Irony or just a poor choice?

Anybody think Sasha Baron Cohen will win? I'd like to see him give a speech ... shake things up a bit.

Ah, Barbara Covett. So misunderstood.

All hopes for a Sasha speech have now been Departed.

"Valium does work," says winner William Monahan. Indeed. Can I have one?

Chris Connely is getting all Tim Russert with a handheld scorecard.

I need a drink. Back with some wine. Can you believe I haven't had any yet?

:: :: ::

channeling Nikki from Big Brother ... "who IS she?" this Sky hostess woman? And who are the people on her panel? I miss proper commercials.

:: :: ::

Ellen Oscar Bjorn. Very nice.

Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway. Interesting that the Brit is browner than the American. Miss Blunt's been to the spray-on salon.

Meryl Streep staring down her girls, she just won the Emmy for best performance at the Oscars. Yay.

Live models for the costume display. A montage for writing. Well they're just mixing it all up this year.

Would have been better if they were all drag queens. Especially in the Prada and Marie Antoinette (a winner!) tableaux. Oh my, what is Milena Canonero wearing? Her neckline is as high as her forehead.

Crazy midget downstage center!

Miss Cruise is giving Sherry Lansing an award. "Sherry came to Hollywood to become an actress. But she sucked her career was to go on another path." Hmm. Did they not let him on the red carpet?

Did Sheery just have a stroke before starting her speech? Oh, wait, it was the teleprompter.

"Through my work I have met scientists ... " yes, the ones who keep pumping botox into your face.

Very nice, Sherry. Go eat a cheeseburger.

Audra is shunned as a photographer so that Spielberg can take a photo of Ellen and Clint. Does Audra have 3D glasses.

Oh no. Gwynneth.

Yikes. The dress. The hair. The walk. The lipstick. Why wouldn't her makeup complement her dress (who'd give that dress a compliment?) Nice earrings.

Good for Guillermo. Pan's third of the night, this time for cinematography. Okay, okay, I'll see it already.

Shadows! Yay! A van? Yes!

Inspired? Not so much!

Poor Pilobolus. Oh well, at least it's not Debbie Allen with a hula hoop doing "Circle of Life." Remember that?

:: :: ::

Sky hostess asks a casting director (Priscilla John) "how hard would it have been to cast the little girl in Little Miss Sunshine? How hard is it to find a child who isn't too pretentious or unnerving?"

Probably not as difficult as finding a Sky hostess who is not pretentious and unnerving. Cor, I'm sending her to an island with Gwynneth.

Robert Downing Jr. joking about seeing spiders. He's dreamy.

Pirates of Carribean just won visual effects or something. We're only half-way through.

The wine is as tasty as RDJr.

Catherine Deneuve looking lovely, for a 120 year old woman. Who stabbed her broach?

Foreing language film montage. And not one subtitle. So arty.

Did they really just digitize out some guy giving the finger? Are you kidding me? I have to sit through Will Ferrel singing but I can't see somebody flip the bird?

Cate. She. Is. Stunning. And Clive looks right smart as well.

Best Foreign Language film. We're gonna say Pan's?

NO! It's Germany's Das Leben der Anderen. Who knew?

Ellen doing shadow puppets, turned into Snakes on a Plane.

"They're naked." That'd be hot.

George Clooney looks like a movie star. Who's he gonna give a statue to? Odds are Jennifer, but wouldn't it be fun if little miss Abigail won?

Oh, look at Miss Hudson looking all surprised. That's acting.
All right girl, now give a proper speech.

Beyonce all misty eyed ... "it shoulda been me." And a shout out to Miss Holiday. Good on Effie.

:: :: ::

Gael, *sigh*. And he's presenting "short" documentary. That's appropriate. 5'6" on imbd ... you know he's only 5'4". And the winner is Chinese orphans with AIDS. Only a holocaust film could've beat that.

Does Jerry Seinfeld still have a career? Ugh.

Mak and K on skype now ... K is expecting Dixie Chicks to win. Um, they're not nominated.

Al's gonna win, right? Will he accept if it wins?

Is Jerry really doing a routine? Oh key-rist. I'm livid.

Al Gore with lippy on.

MAK rooting for Pan to win best score. Oh, but we're not doing best score ... we're doing another honorary award ... WITH a, wait for it ... a MONTAGE!

Oh no. I'm just told Celine is going to sing one of his songs. Is the montage not trying enough?

Why is Pilobolus not dancing to this? Surely they could be turning shadows into chords on a staff? Who wants to see a Pilobulus dancer's staff?

I do. I do.

Fucking Celine Dion. You know how much I like Gwynneth? Oh wait, did Celine steal Gwynnie's frock?

She. Is. So. Sincere.

No K, it is not Jennifer Anniston.

She's gonna pop her chest any minute now. I hate when she pops her chest.

She's never looked more like a drag queen.

"Where did Nelson Mandela come from?" asks MAK.

Um, that's Quincy Jones.

Clint's translating Italian on the fly. Remarkable.

Kate Winslett looks so confused, "and get that camera away from me."

:: :: ::

Hugh Jackman is going to come out. Penelope Cruz looks lovely, but should only speak Spanish.

Okay, back to score. This one's MAK's category, being the certified geek that he is (he buys them to play them on a keyboard he's drawn on his ironing board).

Babel wins. MAK despondent.

Most accents in an Oscar broadcast ever.

60 second speech from the Acadamy president.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

Toby and Kristin bopping out to the Spidey theme, getting ready to announce original screenplay.

K: "I love that Toby sounds a little stupid. It totally turns me on."

Little Miss Oscar. Lovely.

Shadow Puppets!!!

Form of Shoe! The Devil Wears a nice ass.

Why Chris Connely?

Why am I still awake?

:: :: ::

Jennifer Lopez wearing Cleopatra's housecoat.

Anika Noni Rose. Love her. I know, Miss Hudson first, but Anika's coming. Yay.

Beyonce. Yawn. Mama can't break up this little group and make you the star, can she?

Okay, Celine ... erm, Beyonce, listen, you've had your moment, step away from center stage.

Nicely done ladies. Bill Condon must be awful proud.

Best song ... hmm. My bet's on Melissa.

You. Are. Correct. Sir.

Oh, that's Melissa's wife, Tammy. It's not Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks.

We like Melissa. Very happy.

:: :: ::

Brit panel very upset by the Melissa win. Whatever. Brit viewers should be very upset by Brit panel.

:: :: ::

Will Smith says some movies cry for us. Another montage ... this could make me cry.

Michael Mann's montage is saying America is made of racism, religious zealotry, war, and James Brown. Um, okay.

Hi Kate Winslett. Most lovely pale sage ACE bandage dress ever. Who's gonna win film editing? I haven't a clue.

Thelma Schoonmaker for The Departed. She seems just charming.

What's Jack doing hanging back in the wings with his red glasses?

Jodi Foster looking amazing. The lesbians are making quite a good showing tonight, aren't they? And we get the corpse reel ...

Bruno Kirby. Didn't know that. A shout out to Comden (and Green). Mr. Limpett. The Nightstalker. Ah, Maureen Stapleon. Jack Wild? And end with Robert Altman. Not a bad year for dead people.

:: :: ::

Seems that Sky hostess is still alive. Eye shadow is now extra smokey and bangs have grown a quarter inch. Her legs are crossed all funny. Wonder if she needs a wee?

:: :: ::

"That's our show." Wouldn't that be funny.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman wearing Cameron Diaz' hair. Is there a damn hairbrush embargo I haven't read about?

All bets are on Dame Helen ... but wouldn't a huge collective gasp be amazing if it went to, oh I don't know, Marisa Tomei?

Remember that?

No gasps tonight. Let's see if her speech is as elegant as her outfit.

Gold stars ... Barbara Covett liked her gold stars, didn't she? "I give you the Queen." Lovely.

And the bookies are all paying out tonight.

Shadow Puppets! A gun! Look it was a cork flying out of one of their asses!

:: :: ::

Just came back from the loo and heard a vaccuum. Thought it was awfully early for the cleaners to be outside in the hallway. Oh, it's Ellen.

She found rolling papers. I wish I had some.

Who saw Half Nelson? Ryan Gossling is supposed to be amazing. When's it coming to the UK? I heard about it in Toronto last September, and still no release.

I haven't had release since September.

Best Actor ... conventional wisdom says Forrest Whittaker. But we've already got one "real leader" winning. Let's go with Peter O'Toole for fun.

Nope, The Last King of Scotland walks with the statue. He's an operatic tenor. There's some trivia for you.
A nice speech so far, he's gonna get the lullaby here any second. An Oscar gets you a second lifetime? I never saw that on the website.

Could George Lucas not afford liposuction on his neck? All the money in the damn world ...

Okay, give Marty an Oscar for heaven's sake.

And they did. Well done, for body of work if nothing else.

That leaves us with best picture. Little Miss Sunshine or The Departed.

Thoughts?

LMS would be the underdog in this race. Is it big enough to win the big one? Haven't seen The Departed, but I'd bet it to be the winner.

LMS would be the Avenue Q of the Oscars, though, wouldn't it? It'd be nice to see a good (not great) tiny film beat the Hollywood behemoth.

What's with Jack channeling Uncle Fester? How hammered is he? I love Diane Keaton.

Okay kids, let's wrap it up.

It's Martin Scorcese's night all right. Where's Robert DeNiro?

Banananrama would have us believe he's waiting.

'Night Ellen. And thanks Oscar, for keeping the media in mediocrity.

:: :: ::

Oh dear god, Sky hostess is back. But fortunately, I have an off button. Too bad she doesn't.

For anybody that made it this far, thanks for playing. It was one of the most boring broadcasts I can remember, at least these scribblings got me through it.

Going on 5:30. Maybe I should make breakfast for those getting up for work?

Or maybe head off to the Governor's Ball.

Or maybe just to bed.